Tawakkal

“These medications...,” The doctor paused for a while, searching for the right words. “There is still no cure for genetic disease. The medications that we gave her every hour are only to ease her pain, but not to cure. Genetic disease is quite a complex case, as you have been well informed. I am very sorry to say that we have tried our best to save your daughter, Tuan.” As soon as the doctor said that, his heart stops beating. He dropped on his knees and drowns in his own tears. Ahmad refuses to hear another words coming out of the doctor’s mouth. Every words coming to the doctor’s mouth had torn him apart. Ahmad’s big sister, Masnah, unable to say any words, joins his brother and hugged him dearly. Both of them are dripping and drown with tears.

“How long do you think the medications will last, doctor?” Masnah’s husband, Rosli, lets the two siblings hugged each other. “I cannot say for certain. As I said, the medication only works in helping to ease her pain, not to cure her disease. I also cannot be so sure how much time she had left. My estimated time is two months at least. I’m very sorry again.” The doctor bid them goodbye and walked towards on the opposite corridor. Rosli looks at the two siblings again, who still wailing upon hearing the news. People who just walked and pass them could feel the sense of emotions.

Rosli wanted to join them but he is unable to do so. He had to be strong for them and be their comforter. As he walked towards them, he cannot help but chokes. The sorrow, depression engulfed the whole circumstances. Poor man... Rosli thought to himself. He cannot imagine of losing someone that you love with all their might. Ahmad is about to lose another loved ones. Few years ago, he had lost his wife and now his only daughter. Ahmad still putting his head on his two palms-still trembling. “Mat, you have to be patient, mat... Sabar and tawakkal.” Ahmad shook his heads. All Rosli could hear is Ahmad saying ‘anakku, Ya Allah, anakku’

Rosli knew from that point, Ahmad is unable to let his daughter go. Rosli insist Ahmad to get up. He gently shook Masnah and aware of the people who passed them, stared at them as if they had gone mad. But maybe they did go mad. Ahmad just felt the whole world starting to fall apart and he had no more family besides him. He is almost fifty years old. Ahmad thought he should go first before his daughter. Rosli picked them up together and insist that Ahmad should go to the nearby Mosque with him. Rosli looked at Ahmad’s face; so red and glistened with tears. Rosli told his wife to stay at the hospital with the others in the room, while he and Ahmad went to Masjid.

Ahmad had to be half-carried by Rosli all the way to the parking lot. Ahmad is all weak in the knees. He is far too fragile to move or even to carry himself. His face is all gloomy and depressed. Tears rushes down his face and he did not even care to wipe it on his sleeves. When he found his car, Rosli quickly open the car and had to hold Ahmad from falling over. Poor Ahmad... He does even care to put on his seatbelt. His eyes fixated to the front with dry tears on his cheeks which makes his face even more glistened that it was before. On their way to the mosque, he did not say anything but to Rosli’s relief, he had stopped crying.

By the time they get to the mosque, they both went for ablution and did the solat hajat. Soon after Rosli did his Pray, he glanced at his right and saw Ahmad reaching out his hands, crying while praying to Allah. His hands still trembling and body looks very weak. Rosli saw a broken, fragile man who is about to lose his precious one. Rosli suddenly engulfed in a sadness as he watches Ahmad reaching out his hands, muttering some words which Rosli was pretty sure he is desperate asking for God to cure his daughter.

They went back to the car and Rosli beginning to feel anxious looking at Ahmad, who still looks remorseful. “Mat, if you want to talk about anything, I’m here. You know. Just to let you know that.” He started the engine and drove to the bustling streets. Ahmad still keeping his mouth shut and his eyes fixated straight ahead. Rosli thought about wanting to start a conversation with him.

“Mat, I’m not really a pious man. But my only word of advice to you is just to pray-“

“I have prayed, Bang Li! I have prayed everyday for her well being. I prayed to God in a hope that she will be better! All the praying, all the money... I had paid for all cost, but why does God still want to take her away from me?”

Rosli finds it hard to reason with Ahmad at the moment. Ahmad is not in his right mind. Rosli cannot blame him for being unreasonable. “Mat, istighfar Mat. Istighfar. As I said I am not a pious man, but if this is what God had wanted, then just let it be Mat. This is His test for you. See if your faith still shaken by this.” Ahmad continues to wail and sobbing uncontrollably. Rosli whisper the word ‘astghfirullahala’dzim’ repeatedly until the sobbing slowly stops.

“I should’ve put her in JPMC. Yes, they have good doctors there. Yes, let’s transfer Aria to JPMC.”

“Mat, even if you put her to JPMC, they cannot even stop death. The JPMC may have all the best medicines or the best qualities in the world, but they do not have cure for death, Mat. You need to understand this, it is God’s will. Just let it be, Mat. Just tawakkal to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala.”

“Why aria? Oh what am I going to do? What am I going to do?” Ahmad held his head on his palm, his fingers running through his thin hair and grabs it. Rosli felt so helpless-he just let his brother-in-law cries. All Rosli could offer is to sit besides him and listen to his pains. He understands that ever since Ahmad’s wife passed away, he and his daughter had been so close. “Mat, I know you won’t listen to any words I said right now. I’ve known you for all my life. I know you inside and out. But you know what, Allah knows you better than I do.” Ahmad looks up to Rosli and trying to hold back his tears.

“But hear me. I know you are a very nice person and so is your daughter. You brought her up very well, surrounded her with good environment. I’m going to say this again, Mat. I am not a pious man. I think you have done your job as a father. You brought her up really well. I felt like Aria is like my own daughter too, you know. You can cry all want and you can blame the doctors too if you want, Mat. But it won’t change anything. It is already her time.” Ahmad stares at Rosli and thought that he might as well needs to handle this well. He knew this was a test from God and he need to face it.

They went back to the hospital and walked towards Aria’s room. Ahmad cannot even look at his daughter who is lying on the hospital bed. Aria is already wide awake and talking to Masnah. When she saw her father, she asked him to come closer. Everyone in the room just waits on the other corner of the room. Ahmad sat on the bed, close to her daughter’s head. Aria reached out her hand, wanting Ahmad to hold hers. Ahmad, reluctantly hold his hands and trying to smile like nothing happen. 

“Bah...”

“Aria, you need to have a rest... Babah will be here, alright?”

“Bah, I know... I already know. You don’t have to say it.” Ahmad still does not want to look at her eyes, afraid he might cry again. He held Aria’s weak hands and carefully places it on his palms.

“Bu Masnah told you about it?”

“No bah... I saw it.”

“Saw what?”

“I saw the light. It was a bright, white light. I saw it everyday. They told me about it. They told me that I will be taken soon.” Tears rushing down his cheeks-Ahmad unable to hold his tears back and he knew the doctor is wrong. The doctor had estimated she will only last two months. Ahmad knew it is going to be sooner. He had now accepted the fact that her daughter is going to leave him soon.

“Bah?”

“Yes.”

“You know I love you dearly. Don’t worry about me okay. Just... let it be.” Aria looks up and smiles. “They’re coming. Bah, don’t worry. Soon we will be reunited in the afterlife. We will wait for you, bah.” Ahmad grips his daughter’s hands as tightly as he could. Rosli came closer to Aria’s ears and whispers the syahadah. As soon as she said her syahadah, her body went lifeless and both her eyes close. Ahmad tries to hold his tears back while he planted a goodbye kiss on Aria’s forehead. His lips trembling and his whole body was shaking. A pool of tears surfaces around his eyes and as it gets bigger, it falls down his cheeks. “Tunggu babah, Aria. Tunggu Babah disana.”